more excelsior

I was in Target the other day, looking for a card for a buddy who just got married. The “you’ve been married a month but I missed your wedding and now I’m sending a gift” card selection was understandably thin. Still, it was pretty clear I wouldn’t have been in any better shape had I been card shopping BEFORE the wedding. I don’t want to send a novelty card with either a semi-nude individual on the cover or a wise-cracking anthropomorphic animal; it was a WEDDING, after all. On the other hand, a flower-drenched card featuring a mad-lib of schmaltz is equally unappealing.

I’m not a very crafty person, so “make something yourself” is bound to disappoint/terrify both me and the recipient. What I need is a series of nice, tasteful cards for special occasions.  Keep the quality card stock, the embossed lettering, and silver and gold trim; lose the sentimental messages, that, frankly, make all good and decent folk throw up a little in their mouths. Instead, the front of the card could say, “Congratulations on your wedding,” “Congratulations on your birthday,” “Congratulations on your colonoscopy,” or what-have-you. The interior, aside from a gift card slot or money holder, could read “Cordially,” or “Best wishes,” or “All the best,” so you just have to sign your name.

No muss, no fuss, right? Why make the recipient have to read through some nonsensical definition of love/friendship that is more appropriate to a Bette Midler song? If you really feel such deep passion for someone, you probably should express it in a more substantive manner than a greeting card, after all.

So Hallmark, I’m looking at you. Let’s get this idea started. Think of the ancillary benefits as well: significant cost savings from firing your greeting card editorial team. I can think of a few places that are hiring for those skilled in crafting substance-free messages, these days…